We call these tales of indomitable spirit. Each speaks of hope, strength, courage, and perseverance, whatever the circumstance, showing a vision of how the humanity present in us today shall flower unbowed on the morrow.
“Say what?”
“Pseudocyesis, Wanda.”
“Come again?”
“What’s better known as a ‘hysterical pregnancy’.”
“I’m not laughing, Doctor Talbot.”
“Phantom pregnancies in women are often the result of changes in the endocrine system, so we’ll start by looking there.”
Wanda?
“Who said that?”
“I said we’d run some tests.”
In here, Wanda.
“In where?”
“Endocrine…”
No, Wanda—inside you. You can hear me, good!
“Who are you?”
“Doctor Talbot. Hello.”
“No, not you. That other voice.”
Wanda, get out of here. I’ll explain everything, but you need to leave.
“I think I’m gonna be sick, Doc. Now I’m hearing voices.”
“Nurse. Nurse!”
Run, Wanda. It isn’t safe. If the transference has completed enough that you can hear me, that also means they’ll be tracking the signal. They’re searching for me, which means they’re coming for you!
There, better?
“You mean better now that I skipped out on my Doctor and chooked up my guts? Sure. Mind telling me now why you’re in my head?”
Because I’m in your belly.
“Huh?”
I’m your baby.
“I got news for you, Wanda’s baby. Like I told Doc Talbot, the last time I bumped uglies with a man—”
Not a human baby, not exactly.
“So, I’m carrying E.T.’s love-child?”
Something like that.
“Lord, you sure have me trippin’.”
I’m not a baby, though—
“Must be one of those things I ate at the Ming Dynasty buffet for lunch that tasted like it came from the actual Ming Dynasty…”
My name is Toliver the Beneficent, the Second, leader of the Freehold Federation of Planets and Colonies. I was headed for an emergency meeting of FFPC dignitaries and strategists to discuss the present crisis when my flagship, Stardancer, came under sneak attack by the Raff.
“Raff?”
They’re the reason the FFPC exists. Marauders who lay claim to every planet they encounter. My father, Toliver the First, and his armada of Freehold cutlasses drove back the Raff and secured the peace. Unknown to us for a generation, the Raff have been rebuilding. I was en route to the Cathedral of Thorns on Via Meridia to discuss our stratagem when Stardancer was attacked and overrun.
“I need to sit down.”
Wanda…
“It’s either that or fall down.”
Wanda, you need to get off the street and to the Observatory.
“Oh, now I need to get to the dang Observatory?”
Yes, that’s the best place for an extraction. My people can draw me back through the roof-dome’s high-powered Jeiss telescope lens.
“Who the hell is that?”
Run, Wanda—they’ve found us!
“Or should I say what?”
You can see their real appearances because of our symbiosis. They’re Raff. Two of their agents followed me through the triaxillator after Viceroy Vink sent my pattern into the machine.
“Holy shizz, those three-eyed uglies are coming our way.”
Act casual, Wanda.
“You act casual, your royal high mucky-muck!”
“Wanda Mae Brown?”
“Who wants to know, Officer?”
Wanda, they’re not really cops—they’re Raff who’ve infiltrated the bodies of two of your police officers!
“I know that, Your Highness.”
“You need to come with us, Ms. Brown.”
“Why? Was I J-walking?”
Even so, they’ll still require extra amounts of oxygen to keep their hold over your lawmen. And given that your Earth’s atmosphere is thinner than that on Gullus, the Raff home world, they’ll be particularly vulnerable in the nasal area. Wanda—
“Get your hands off of me, you couple of low-rent, boogly-eyed mall cops!”
Act now, Wanda!
“Ow!”
“I know where they’re vulnerable.”
“I think her punch shattered my host’s male anatomy!”
Well done, Wanda. You made short work of those two Raff drones. I should promote you to Captain of all my guards!
“Why me, Toliver?”
Why? Well, Wanda, the triaxillator is a fail-safe method when our dignitaries or citizens are threatened. Their consciousnesses can be beamed through Over-space to holding vessels until a genetic replacement can be grown and the consciousness reintegrated. Via Meridia is on the very fringe of the Freehold. The signal must have been distorted and traveled all the way to your planet for a suitable temporary host.
“I feel special.”
You are. Of all the billions on your Earth, the machine deemed you the most suitable—and the most noble—to protect the consciousness of the leader of a federation that guards over 157 planets and colonies.
“I’m just a normal person. I hate my job, can’t seem to get out of bed on time—and trust me, that part’s getting worse even without having to lug your ass around inside me—and I haven’t been on a real date in two years.”
Wanda Brown, who volunteers at a shelter for the homeless; who feeds stray animals in her neighborhood; who lives her life to a ‘harm none’ code…because of you, my plan to stop the Raff invasion of Freehold space now has a chance to succeed. You are the best mother a royal or commoner could hope to claim as his own. You are, after a fashion, mother to an entire galaxy. Your bravery and name will be revered forever!
“Lady, if you’re done talking to yourself, thought you should know that we’re here—the Observatory.”
“Whatever, driver. Keep the change.”
“What about those two Raffs in cops clothing?”
For them, it was a one-way trip through Over-space, a suicide mission to take out the leader of the Freehold. Your two police officers should be fine once the Raff signal degrades—albeit, quite black and blue in the genital region following your brave escape from their attempt to subdue us.
“There’s the lens. Do you sense the extraction signal?”
Yes, I feel it drawing me home through Over-space—to the cutlass Pax Arcana, which waits in orbit around Pluto’s moon, Charon. I’m acknowledging the recall order.
“Good luck, Majesty. You show those Raff that they’d best not mess around with Toliver the Second or his bad-ass Freehold Federation!”
Thank you, Wanda Mae Brown, most noble and special of all the souls of Planet Earth. Perhaps, when we’ve put the Raff in their place, I will return in the flesh, offer your Earth the 158th seat in the FFPC union. Would you consent to be your planet’s Freehold delegate?
“I’d be honored. Goodbye, Your Highness.”
Goodbye until then, Wanda.
